WHERE DID ALL OF THE TIME GO?

by

James K. Aumack B.A., M.A .Ed.

(Retired)

When I was a child, America was and still is, a great place to live. In so many ways, it’s far above all other countries and continues to be at the very top of the world scene. I was born in 1945, a month before the first ATOM BOMB was dropped. I grew up in a city in northern New Jersey directly across the river from New York City. I still have small flashes of memory of being in a crib but time and age have erased most of those memories.

I was the youngest of three boys and I believe that my mother hoped that I was to be a girl, but that wasn’t to be. Having three boys was a trial for her. As I think back on this, I’ve come to the conclusion that mother-hood was also a trial for her but being Roman Catholic, this was a requirement in marriage. My Mom stayed home to care for children, while my Dad worked to support the family. We lived in a rented apartment, in a two-family house. My mother always feared the landlord that lived upstairs in the same building.

My brothers, as they grew, entered the nearest Catholic Elementary School. This was also to be my fate as well, as my time came to enter formal education. Needless to say, that at this time period in America, education of all children was a requirement. There were many great Public Schools near our home but because they were ‘Public’ they had children of all religious faiths and races as well. This directed my brothers and I, into Catholic Education. This also meant that you got the ‘stuff’ beat out of you if you irritated ‘Sister’. The teachers were all nuns of a teaching order, the Sisters of St. Joseph. It is also highly unlikely that any of them at this time period, were Certified by The State of New Jersey Law, to teach. Only Catholics were permitted to attend this school and there was almost zero non-white students in attendance.

My mother’s background was Irish, as she was the daughter of Irish immigrants that settled in Hobo-ken, in North Jersey. My fathers background, was likely Dutch or possibly German. We could never really nail that down. He didn’t know or even care regarding his family background. He was happy to be born here. So, he considered himself to be pure American which he was. This is the scene I was born into and it provided me with my beginning training and education.

I can still somehow clearly remember, some instances of my Kindergarten experience. The most memorable was the gloomy, dark classroom environment I was in, during those beginning days. Also, I can remember that there were far to many children in the class and there was always noise, all the time. I later found that the building that housed this kindergarten, was built in the middle 1800”s ,was an absolute fire hazard and should have never housed children but it was ‘Catholic’ and I guess God was watching. I also have to guess I behaved, because I was ‘promoted’ to 1st Grade! I really can’t say that I learned anything except ‘Sister said!’ You lived by whatever ‘Sister’ said. My first grade placement was in another dilapidated wood-framed fire-hazard of a building, all on the same campus and all classrooms were on the second floor. If you survived K and 1, you got to move to the brick school building, for second through grade eight. This , of course, was less likely to burn and provided you with a chance to survive if a fire started. All of this wonderful experience started in 1951 and continued until 1959 and 8th grade graduation. Now the real fun began. How to decide where my high school career was to begin.

I was the third child in our family. My two brothers set examples that I was expected to follow. My oldest brother decided he wanted to enter the clergy and spend his life as a Catholic Priest. This of course, was my mother’s influence slipping out. In her childhood training, she was told that if your first born male child becomes a priest, you as the mother, automatically get a place in heaven, without any regard of past offenses. This is the bullshit I had to endure, as I attempted to make my own way in the world. It truly was a tough mountain to climb. All of the entire family was immured at his decision to become a Catholic Priest. This, of course, required him to remain celibate and not marry.

Unless a male is castrated, this is likely an almost impossible task. The natural desire and drive, to mate with the opposite gender, is incredibly powerful and this of course, would be quite sinful, if an individual clergyman gave into this natural/normal urge. Needless to say, there are always those that would rather enjoy this physical outlet with the same gender and there is large portion of the population that have taken this route toward answering this normal urge and need for satisfaction. This is considered to be abnormal by almost everyone’s standards. Yet, a large population follows this lifestyle. However, it does keep the population down.

My next older brother was lovable and always had some time for me. Unlike his older brother, he made it his business to make me smile and laugh. We always had a closer relationship. However, my oldest brother was always the favorite son and my mother particularly, favored him in every possible way. As we grew older we realized that we were all likely accidents of contraception. In other words the ‘rubber’ broke…and here we are! I’m very sure there are thousands of people in America today that could tell the very same story…if they thought about it! It is, what it is. . . we’re here for better or worse.

In any case, I had to follow all of the successes of my older brothers and was expected to do as well or better. Actually, I believe I succeeded in this effort and even did far better.. I didn’t become a Catholic Priest and leave the Priesthood to marry my high-school sweetheart. My oldest brother did! (Consider what I had to deal with, in an Irish Catholic household, as I was still at home when this exploded!) My proud mother nearly lost her Catholic mind!!!! She was sure that she was going to hell because she gave birth to him!!(a fallen Priest!!)

I had to witness this and live with it everyday. I was a male offspring and therefore on her ‘fecal roster’ because all of her male children, in her opinion, were as likely or would be as guilty, of some horrible sin like what their oldest brother did. I kept my head down, as best as I could, to avoid most of the flack that was flying in my home. I tried to spend as little time at home as possible. I learned to harden myself and ‘duck’ when this stuff started to fly my way. I simply disappeared as often as possible.

My father did the same. He used his Catholic ‘social club’, at the Knights of Columbus, at every opportunity. This Catholic men’s organization became his home away from home. He’d go out every night to a meeting or bowling or some other sort of escape. He then didn’t have to deal with my mother and her anger and outrageous behavior. Before he left for the evening, he always made a quart of ‘Manhattans’ for my mother, which she always completely drank.

I found shelter at a coffee shop/candy store, several blocks from my home. I became friendly with the owner and spent all of my ’at home’ time there. Here, I found friends that supported me and kept me sane. I went home only to sleep and get up early the very next day and head for the bus stop, that transported to the next town and my Catholic high-school. This continued on for four years or so, until I decided I wanted to become a teacher. Also, at this time my mother was officially an Alcoholic by any measurement. She consumed a quart of ‘Manhattans’ every night. My father never made any effort to help her regarding her habit. In fact he helped her, by not putting a stop to this behavior, to become what she was…a drunk. He prepared her drinks before he left for the evening. This was his escape. I’ll never forgive him for this.

At this time, I was in escape mode all the time. I wasn’t mature enough to confront my father and demand that he do ‘something’! I escaped to my luncheonette/candy store and to some semblance of normalcy. At the same time, I was in the middle of the dissolution of my relationship to my ‘high school girlfriend’. I really didn’t want this to happen but had zero control regarding a solution. She met an older guy with some ‘bucks’ and a business… and cast our relationship to the winds. I’m not ashamed to say that I really cried my heart out, regarding this situation. I had zero ways of changing this. He was a little older, had a income through his own business and he had a new car. I was really no competition and …she went for the better deal at that time. He was also Italian and I was of Irish heritage which was really frowned upon by her father. It really took me a very long time to understand what this was and I emerged eventually from the emotional pain and finally understood that this was really for the better. If she could ‘dump’ me now… what would she do later. Of course, this was her choice, not mine. I loved her, and to be honest, she was, at that time, my very best friend!

This was enormously painful for me because, I unfortunately, would run into her at college. I’m not ashamed that I often simply had to remove myself to another area. On many occasions when this happened, found myself in the ‘men’s’ room alone in a stall, where I cried my heart out until I could again, regain control of my emotions. The ‘break-up’ was bad enough but having to be in the same place occasionally and seeing her, was actually horrific and painful for me, beyond any imagination.

After graduation I started’ Grad’ school seeking a Master’s Degree in my field of study. This was part-time, as I also started my professional career as a Educator. I landed a job in the Jersey City School System. This wasn’t difficult because there was and still is, always a need for teachers in the inner-city. At this time period, the Viet Nam War was I full swing and almost all males were being ‘Drafted’ into military service. I was called before my local ‘draft-board’ many times. Each time, the Assistant Superintendent of Schools sent a letter to the Draft Board, requesting a ‘deferment’ because my work was essential to the school system. There were almost no men teaching in the inner-city. The low salary was the reason for this. This, without question, was a necessary element to preserve and carry on public education in the inner-city of Jersey City or any City. There had to be a male presence in the classrooms of the City. I filled that requirement and also faced almost daily physical threats from both students and parents. I also provided a photo of some of my students to show the folks on the draft board. My comment to them was that if I’m drafted I’ll be trained to shoot back if my life is at stake. In my profession, I only had ‘reason’ to defend myself.

Along the way in my career I’ve been threatened, hit and bit by students on more than one occasion. I’ve been stabbed in the thigh, while stopping a classroom fight. The weapon was a ‘rat tailed’ plastic comb that was sharpened enough to be used as a weapon and it was. It could have easily been killed someone. Fortunately, it ended up in my thigh and not in a young students chest or eye.

Needless to say, I was not only surprised by this situation but at the same time terrified. I grabbed the kid with the comb and somehow controlled myself and I didn’t knock his teeth out. My leg was bleeding and the other student in this fight was literally terrified. In the end, all I could really do was to notify the parent that this child was to be suspended, until they came into to see me personally. The next day I met with the mother of this child. She was shocked, upset and almost in tears.

My comments to her were simply to tell her exactly what happened. Her response was that she also was having some issues at home with him as well. I told her that her child was no longer welcomed in my class and that I’ve suggested that he be suspended. After his suspension, he will be placed in a different class and if this behavior happened to appear again, he will be removed from this school and placed in a ‘Special Education’ environment after testing. This ended the conversation. I also reminded her that the parents of the other child, that was under attack, are also ‘outraged’ and will happily request that further elements be brought to bare, regarding the future of this child and the safety of all other children as well. I told her that this could become a police/legal matter. It could and actually should, end right here and now. He’ll be given another chance to behave and if he’s successful, this will be forgotten. If you’re not happy with this arrangement, the school system attorney will be pleased to address this situation in the Open Courts.

This child was eventually removed from our school and placed in a private educational environment. This is almost a every-day occurrence in some neighborhoods. Is it any wonder why nobody wants to become a teacher in this day and age, especially in an inner-city classroom?

Well, back to my own family life. My two brothers, both older than me, caused me to become a target of my mother’s anger and her shame. The priest(my oldest brother) caused all their parental attention to him and not to my next older brother or me, but only to be directed only to his holiness(him). Everyone else, was supposed to bow down and kiss his ass! However, that didn’t happen.

I was fourteen or fifteen years old at this point when my oldest brother was ‘Ordained’ as a Catholic Priest. This was a big deal in my family, my next older brother and I were ignored. So the second born child in this family was now up on stage, so to speak, and he outraged dear old Mom, by getting his girlfriend pregnant. This, of course, drove her deeper into her drinks, every night. When my brother’s name was brought up in any way, she went into her vocabulary of nasty names like “She’s( his wife) a Whore!!!”

Of course, my father was off bowling at the good old Knights of Columbus or at some other task that removed him from her actions and sight. It left me! I was young and I couldn’t deal with any of it any longer, so I stayed out of the house, as much as I could. I was young and really didn’t know how to deal with this mess. In truth, there was absolutely nothing that I could really do, except protect myself as best as possible. That’s exactly what I did. Had I know about AA, A-l-Anon or family counseling, I’d likely try to get some help for me, they were beyond help in my estimation, my parents were a lost cause.

As time went on, I started to heal but the pain of losing my first serious girlfriend, was still very much there. I tried to date different girls that I met at college or elsewhere. Often, I’d go to pick up a date and find her at her front door, expecting me, but with little or almost nothing on. I quickly came to realize that this was a ‘ploy’ and a real possible avenue for them to leave their home and somehow start their own home, if they suddenly ‘had to marry!’ Having a child was a good choice for some of them, if it also spelled ‘escape’ from rules etc. required by their parents. Needless to say, I avoided this at ‘all costs’, and never again asked them out on any kind of date. So, I guess, I did learn something from my next older brother’s experience, as painful as that was. It’s interesting to note that girls in question above, were all private Catholic High School students and some were exceptionally and intellectually bright.

My brother, in his situation, married the girl because he loved her. My Mother’s opinion of this young woman, had absolutely nothing to do with his decision to marry. My Mother’s concept of love and marriage, was somehow wrapped around worship in church and love of God. Fortunately for me, my past experiences with these family situations, allowed me to make my own decisions as to how and when I’d fall in love with someone, to the extent that I’d want to spend the rest of my life with them and raise a family as well. Needless to say that someone, had to also have the very same idea regarding me. My high school love didn’t and that, without question, was a learning experience and needless to say, I learned in perhaps a most painful way…but learning it was.

As a college student I filled my spare time working in a local Auto-Parts Store. In this way, I could pay for most of my college tuition. I also bought a used car from a neighbor, to get me back and forth to and from college in the next town. The car was really a ‘bomb’ but it did run and get me to school. The job in the Auto-Part’s Store also provided me with car replacement parts at a discount. It also gave me a few dollars to date a girl if I had the opportunity. My High School/Early College girlfriend, dumped me for another guy that was, as she said ,’”A Businessman”. He was a little older and probably not a college grad but he owned a business. So, I was then on the ‘outs’ with her.

This came as a surprise to me and to be honest, it nearly killed me with emotional pain because I hoped to marry this girl after college. However, it does take two to come to that agreement. I really was heart broken and to make matters worse, I had to see her each day at college. So I tried to remove myself between classes and stayed in the library or some other place that she wouldn’t likely be. The night she dumped this decision on me, I’m not ashamed to say the I cried because I did really love her. However, I also knew that it takes two, to achieve common agreement to a lifelong partnership. Now, I had to heal and this wasn’t easy. It really took courage to continue on as I recall this because I would see her everyday at college. I realized that my pain was not anger but it was caused simply by rejection because her new boyfriend as older, a business owner and was a better deal. I never realized the I was in a race.

In order to help in my recovery regarding her decision, I took a job far outside the City and up in a mountain area. The job was through the college and it required that you actually move into a camp for handicapped children, in order to supervise their caretakers, which were younger ‘Special Education Majors’. This was part of the curriculum for students to become ‘State Certified Teachers of the Handicapped’. This kept me busy and also provided an opportunity to meet other young women.

Before I took this job, I did meet a young lady at a Christmas Party that I was invited to. She was Seton Hall University Nursing Student. Her goal was to become an advanced standing nurse with a College Degree in Nursing Practice. As we got to know each other over the next few months, I found that she also was dumped by a former boyfriend and had suffered much the same pain that I experienced. As we got to know each other we shared our experiences and very soon became very close friends. As time moved on, I felt that she would really be an outstanding, well educated and beautiful wife. I fell in love with her and I pinned my hopes on this and asked her to marry me. Thankfully, without hesitation, she agreed that we’d be a great match and said “yes”… she loved me as well.

This love story hasn’t ended yet. Over fifty -four years and two children (boys) later, we’re still married and ‘Yes!’ we still love each other. Our children are now grown, well educated, both with advanced terminal degrees, One Master Teacher of ‘Special Children’, the other Doctor of Pharmacy , currently working in a Major Hospital. They together, have given us five grandchildren, four girls and one boy. They married girls with advanced degrees as well, one a master teacher with her Plus 32 post grad credits and the other, an attorney with an earned Doctorate.

So, where did all of the time go? Time marches on so they say, and so does life. At some point, it will come to an end for all of us. Yet, while still alive we enjoy the gift of life and all of the challenges and pleasures it provides. To be sure there’s also pain along the way, however life is really a learning process. The love and joy it provides, far diminishes all of the minor concerns and pains that all of life bestows upon everyone.

Where did all the time go? It went into living, loving, and learning about each other and all of the possibilities that life offers. It went in learning to survive in a life style that is comfortable and it went into learning how to support that lifestyle. There will always be bumps in the road of life and learning to deal with those bumps, is really the secret to success.

Those bumps mentioned above are likely to be part of some relationships and they are far better to occur very early in life, so you can learn from them and recover in order to continue on.

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The author of the above is a retired Educator. His wife is also retired from her life’s work as a Registered Nurse and provider of high quality health services to the ill as a (ICU) Intensive Care Nurse. She helped people live and also provided comforted and help, to those that didn’t.

This author retired after almost forty years teaching in the inner-city of Jersey City, working with and teaching the most difficult children that had learning and behavior problems. He also was instrumental in establishing two corporations, a ‘For Profit and a Non-Profit’, both of which operated on State and Federal Grants and funding, to aide inner-city children and their parents.

His wife, an RN/BSN, is also now retired, and in addition to raising two boys with her husband, also worked as an ICU nurse in a major hospital helping people to live and also comforting them, as they died. She ended her career, after working for years in Adult Medical Daycare, at a home for the aged.

Together, we have raised outstanding two boys, both now married to amazing girls, both also with terminal college degrees and together they have given us five grandchildren, four girls and one boy.

This is what America is all about. ‘Live, Love, and Learn’ and give back to the next generation, all you have learned.

Thank God for America!

(4043 Words)